While many of us (smug smile) avoided weight-gain during the long, dark winter of Covid, now is the time, to self-sabotage like a total pro.
All those months of going to bed ravenous and exercising every morning; why not destroy all that effort in just 7 days?
Here are my 5 easy-peasy steps (I’ve done it and it’s foolproof) to ensure that you BALLOON during the holidays.
1. Eat Carbs With Every Meal
While you spent most of the year treating carbs as a “sometimes” food, the holiday season is where they really take centre stage in EVERY meal. They are now at their rightful place as HERO dish.
In fact, now you wouldn’t dare partake in a meal which didn’t include the delightful and only last week shunned POTATO. Its delicious versatility in a creamy potato salad, roasted to perfection in duck fat, the hashbrowns of breakfast and the humble chip doused in mayo or sugar-laden tomato sauce (This. Is. Living). I’ve never met a potato I didn’t like.
Let’s not forget another foe that has become a friend: BREAD and white bread at that. Again so many delicious forms – toast in all it’s glory smothered with butter (what dreams are made off). Fresh white baguettes to spread generously with gooey brie and pate or even a dirty old hot-dog roll complete with a snag, sauce and grated cheese. Yes, and yes.
2. Replace Your Daily Intake of Water With Mostly Alcohol
Filling up on water is just amateur-hour if you really want to pork up this season, not to mention BORING. Spending a lot of time with family and friends over a non-alcoholic beverage is pure insanity. And while your usual non-holiday self drinks 3 litres of water a day, replacing this with mostly alcohol, makes you more fun and more of you to love. Cocktails are also an absolute must. Not only will they blow the budget, but also your waistline. It’s win-win!
3. Do Zero Exercise (but still pack workout gear)
It’s always important to have goals. Packing the workout gear in the luggage with the intention of working-out proves how goal-orientated you really are (#blessed, #grateful #motivationalguru). So, tick. When it comes to working-out – shopping, walking from room to pool is PLENTY of exercise. Walking past the gym with a knowing nod is also exercise. Any more, and you may actually burn off too many calories and not totally sabotage your weight-loss. And who wants that?
4. Eat Dinner Really, Really Late (sleep on a FULL stomach)
There is certainly no room for 16-hour fasting when it comes to holiday weight gain. That’s for people who want to lose weight. While your last meal in your normal life was 5pm, your holiday glutton-self will still be eating the final stages of a 3-course dinner at 10pm. Dessert late at night is also your firm friend for maximum ballooning.
5. Snack on Chocolate and Crispy Things from Packets
As you can probably tell, your stomach and appetite have expanded. Like a blue whale, you need constant feeding to maintain your fighting weight. And with so many chocolate treats lying around or crisp, salty snacks, it would be immoral of you not to inhale them with a “glass” of wine. There is no way you can while away hours between meals. And actually, the approach to extreme weight-gain is one meal per day: It starts at breakfast and continues steadfastly until dinner. You’ve got this.
Congrats, like me, you are now bursting out of your clothes and will be RIPE for those pesky and predictable weight-loss new year’s resolutions.
High-five friends! Who needs to be beach-body ready in summer anyway?
Mwah.xx